all you need is love

7:37pm: ello' govna!
so im in london
...
the city i was supose to be born with
however, i am not sharing it with the people that i really love
maybe when nick goes next year, me and sar could come for a week...i would love it
be in the city with them

nick asked my paresnt permission to marry me, eek, i am trhilled, and couldnt be happier. he is the man of my dreams, my best friend and husband, i love him more than life itself! i miss him more than anything, its really sucky to be here alone. yes im among friends, but os to i miss my best friends.

and sr, i miss her too, she is my best girlfriend...my twin, lol and my hero, i love her, and miss her terribly!!

i need to be home, i really love it here, but i am ready to go home because i need to be with my hubby.
its so hard. the first couple days were so depressing because i missd them so much. its getting better now that i have discovered aim express, and am looking to get a phone, which will be nice, it will be better. plus i think when school starts it will be faster and better, technically, there are four weeks of class and italy week and finals week then i am home, it wil go fast...right?
lots of love to everyone
miss you all
be home soon

send me love here :]
peach

8:58pm: its been to long, so i figured id take down a little jotty jot. :]
this year has been wonderful. i had no idea life could be this wonderfully fufilling. i am in love...madly. to steal from LOST. which was kick ass last night by the way. no really there has been some real shit this past year with uncle joe and school and its so nice to have someone to hold you everynight, for better or for worse. i am also blessed with an amazing sister who is my best friend for life :D

i was thinking about the future today, cause thats what i do...and it struck me hard that i was graduating next year, freaky right? this whole experience has gone by so so fast. i wouldnt want it to drag on any longer though. lol not to be a bummer. its been great but i am so ready to get out of here, move out of my house move on to the next chapter in my life. i will miss it though the regularness of it, knowing exactly what i needed to do, school for 17 years of my life would be over, new chapter. scary, i have never gone a year without school since i was 5. frightening. will i know how to function? i dont want to think about it anymore.

did i mention i am in love? cause i am, even though he doesnt say thank you when i cook him dinner, i will just beat him with a pillow. muah hahaha *evil laugh* its really fine though. im starting to think about our future together, where will we live? what are we going to do after he graduates? its all werid to think about. my parents are making me open up a bank account by myself for london, and to call and get a new doctor, does anyone know any good PD around here by the way? anyway, call? i cant even call to order pizza! ill have to learn... im getting to be a big girl. what if i told you i was pregnant?


no dont worry, im not, but i got ya!

i cant believe there is just one fucking week left! YES! thank you jebas!


so i am going to be a wife/mother/actor/ and work as an actor for childrens theater, or TOY or kids on the block, something local. maybe open up a singing thing for good times sake in NYC, ellens...you sneaky monkey. ..

what else is new? hmm... i auditioned for nurt again, god i hope i get in, i think id really do well, and its where my heart is at, childrens theater, please please let me get in... its not about the money, or the job, or the resume' fun, its for the kids... thats what its about.

ps:its funny to look back and read my sappy sad pity me journal entries. lol, i crack myself up. wtf.

anyway, happy birfday amanda serio, im coming to celebrate your bird-day tonight! :D

to the rest of you

good night and good fuck
payce
xo
PS:sorry for spelling, i simply dont give a fuck

4:12pm: ive been provided for



and im so happy :DDD

8:51pm: defining my thoughts
happy to the new year!
schools coming back quick, and i need to memorize my one act
i cant believe how fast this whole school thing is going. i thought
i just got here! soon it will be may and i will be heading to london
never to return, ah ha ha ha! *evil laugh*
im ready to go, i need to get out of this environment
i need to try a new continent on for size. im afraid i am not
going to want to come back though.

im starting to look at where i want to end up after graduation
do i want to travel- audition for a touring company?
or get an internship at a childrens theater?
or should i go to chicago and tough it out?
or go back to london?
or run away to NYC and live in an abandon building with my sister?

the situations and possibilities are endless :]

*sigh*

i have goals

i do

BIG plans


one of which include dating which brings up another topic. i know, i know i talk about this to everyone a lot. it screws with my mind all the time. I know guys like looks, i know they can be superficial due to their nature and date beautiful thin girls, but id like to give guys a lot more credit and i know some wonderful men :]
*BUT why is it the snotty bitchy girls always get wonderfully sweet guys, it boggles me! maybe i need to be bitchy, maybe thats the key- i highly doubt it*

im not looking to get married anytime soon- but i have been ready to meet and date someone wonderful for a long time
and my rant of girlish thoughts are done now
i know i have had these talks with other friends and they are also boggled at this mystery. which it may stay.


ah love
oh and one more life goal:

i need to meet tony bennett someday

*not that is a need not want :]

ok im done, i usually just think weird things in weird orders in my head, but it humors me to type them out and read them.
:]

12:02am: each day is a new effort to change the world. everyday we choose how we will act, who we will effect and what are attitudes will be. everyday is a fresh start, and everyone deserves second and third chances. we need to look out for each other, to lift each other up.
back to when it was simple, we need to not let ourselves get caught up in the little petty things this dramatic work brings and focus on what is really important. like not wasting another minute to tell someone how you feel, not second guessing, to help someone without reason...
it is such an easy concept-humility and kindness. but one of the hardest things to do when you get caught up in the everyday nonsense of this world. we need to take a step back everyday and analyze whats important- looking past the small things and paying attention to the big picture. i guess thats what this entry is really about, looking at the big picture, seeing life as a whole and not day by day.

9:45pm: wanna play in the puddles with me?
i wish i could go back to elementary school when asking a boy to spend some time with you was easy, "lets jump in the puddles!" "lets play pogs!"
now its so difficult, college reminds me a lot of high school, when you have to go through friends to spend time with a guy, frustrations and thoughts of "does he like me" resound and ring in my head, its crazy. i wish i could just go back, even if its for a short time, when things were simplier, when pogs were in and it didnt matter if my jeans got wet and muddy from the puddles, and ask him to play. putting things to the wind, not caring of rejection.
so i hope someday soon, i can ask him to come play in the puddles with me, and who knows, maybe we can go get some dinner afterwards :]

7:07pm: ...aNd So It GoEs...
And So It Goes : Billy Joel

In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers past
Until a new one comes along

I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense

And every time I've held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose

But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break

And this is why my eyes are closed
It's just as well for all I've seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

So I would choose to be with you
That's if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break

And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

4:37pm: *sigh*
i love rainy days... today has been just magically delicious! me and my mom started off the day by basking in the sun on our deck, the wind was so soft! it was lovely! so the windows in my room were opened- which pleased the cats :) then it started to rain. its so peaceful, just sitting in my room, listening to the birds and the rain... just what the doctor ordered. lifes been chaotic with chicago and work and school, i havent had much time to myself, just to debrief and relax, to think. so thanks for today!!

chicago has been going really well, they have done so much work, i simply cannot believe its only been a week of rehearsals- pat yourself on the back cast- you are wonderful!

well im off for more chilling... maybe a movie- im thinking cinderella :) i need to find someone that wants to watch my disney movies with me :)

enjoy the weather- carpe diem

5:46pm: piano lessons
ive been teaching myself this song on the piano. its a beautiful song from corpse bride, my new favorite movie. its simply dishy. i love the feeling and emotion behind it. oops emotion, forgive me paul todaro, ill go spank myself... no need for facial expressions or emotions here :) anyway, it really is a movie song. i never took lessons ro really know anything about the piano, but i have a good ear, so picking out the song is natural for me....give me sheet music however, and i will ask if you want me to sight read it with dos, mes and sos.

the view form a bridge closes this weekend. that cast and crew did a fantabulos job with that aurther miller play, its really moving. great job! two thumbs way way up! the casting was phenomenal, despite what soem bitter people feel... i think they all shined. :) really and truthfully shined! :)

anywho... off to help make dinner.

ps: hasnt it been a lovely day? if you havent enjoyed it yet, go out side, and you will be "injoy"

toodles

ps: real facts: did you know that the reason a bride carried down a bouquet was because she needed to cover up her smell. yes most weddings were in june, many people took their yearly bath in may, but she still smelled, and needed flowers to deoderize her... funny huh?

3:20pm: london
i think i was meant to live there. i was taking a walk today, between classes, and i just love this weather! the lower 50s, kind of gloomy and rainy, its so refreshing and relaxing, i love it! this is not the only reason i want to go to london, or live there, i just think the whole atmosphere would be my type of town. the culture, the people, everything. so if me and london hit it off well next summer, i might go back over there for a while. i would miss home though, my family, but i dont think im cut out for the big city, NYC, i would love to think i am, but i think i would much rather do a little childrens theater group over seas in a quaint little charming neighborhood, or town.

i think i was born on the worng continent

10:50pm: beauty and the beast
once upon a time in a far away land
a young prince lived in a shining castle
although he had everything his heart desired
the prince was spoiled, selfish, and unkind
but then, one winters night an old begger women came to the castle
and offered him a single rose in return for shelter from the bitter cold
respulsed by her haggered apperance, the prince sneered at the gift
and turned the old women away, but she warned him not be deceived by apperances
for beauty was found within, and when he dismissed her again, the old womens
uglyness melted away to reveal a beautiful enchantress
the prince tried to apologize, but it was too late, for she had seen that there
was no love in his heart, and as punishment, she transformed him into a hideous beast
and placed a powerful spell upon the castle and all who lived there
ashamed of his monstrous form, the beast consealed himself inside his
castle, with a magic mirror as his only window to the outside
world. the rose which she had offered was truly and enchanted rose
which would bloom until his 21 year. if he could learn
to love another and earn there love in return by the time the last petal fell
then the spell would be broken, if not he would be doomed to remain a beast for all time.
as the years passed, he fell into dispair, and lost all hope

for who could ever learn to love a beast?

11:27am: *sigh* ba doo doo
iv never had nothing to do for a long time... its nice to sit back and relax everyonce and a while, but im itching to get up on or in the stage stuff again. i cant wait for the 24 hour project, hopefully there will be enough stage managers for me to be an actor, but if not...i would stage manage. i just have to do something! i miss the theater. classes are nice, and im learning a lot, but im really y e a r n i n g to get back into it! chicago is comenig soon though, so it will be nice to have no nights free again :)

i do love to just chill though. but i took a walk today, and i sat in the sunshine, im recharged and ready to go :)

you know what else i miss? singing... i miss not having a voice class. i go from all the chior involvment and musicals, all states and area all states, competitions and solo fest for all of high school, to one class and a voice lesson last year, and now nothing. i really miss it. heaven knows that doesnt mean im not singing along to songs in my car, or humming a show tune of some kind walking to class :) but its tough for the kids who cant afford lessons with the teachers here to be able to sing. i can only finger pick my songs on the piano, i should pick up some real lessons, or maybe i just need to team up with a handsome pianoman :) i tip! :) anyways: i know a lot of people dont like this theater department, and they think the classes are a waste of time. they would rather jump right into the world. and although i am on a small break from singing and being on stage, i know that the department is really a good thing for the future. i have been learning a lot and appreciate the teachers that just give and give of themselves, its really sweet. :) so if you wanna go- i will miss you- maybe - just kidding- but i think that you will be missing out on some really great experiences

you know its funny that i am sitting here with these priorities though. i was looking at the little journal entry that amanda sharpe had us do to set our lifetime goals and even goals for the year. its interesting how things have changed. its been an interesting year of growth for me. i woundnt change it for the world... some goals have changes, or shifted priorities. the major ones are the same though. like getting married and having a family is my major one, then career next, if any, i really just want to raise kids, be a mom. and hopefully, time permitting, do childrens theater, or run it, direct it, something. but then everyone around me is so career oriented, and its probably the way to go when you arent married, like me, or even have a relationship, which i do not have either, so does that mean my priorities have to change, do i need to pursure the career now, focus on a job now, family later? or wait till family comes, i dont know..oh the pressures of growing up... i wish i could go back to the playground at age five and swingon the swings and watch my brother eat ants...of the good days.

9:42pm: let me tell you something...
you know what i hate? intolerance.

this country is full of people who want freedom in choices and equality, however, the same people are intolerant to other peoples choices. oy vey. i have to admit a couple years ago, when i was in high school, i was one of these people, but after coming to college, i have grown so much and learned so much more about this world we live in. everyone deserves the right to freedom in life choices: whether or not two men want to get married or not is none of my business, just like, people shouldnt care that i want to marry a man. its all relative. who makes the choices whats accepted in society? who makes the rule of normality? is the toilet seat really suppose to be up or down? ya know?

(steps off soap box, brushes off shirt) okay my rant is over :)

break is fast approching... thank goodness...

i picked up more work days now im working monday and tuesday in the morning and afternoon, wed morning and friday all day, my hours are doubled so its really nice! its all going in my london account 2007 :)

anyway, back to work, or tv, cant decide :)

2:36pm: brilliant
well well well

what do we have here?

this weekend was amazing fantabula! Friday night was A view from the bridge, simply ducky! what a well casted show! very excellent! After that was cast party, and then party in 2b, where i stayed fo rlike 2 minutes, lol. went back to kristen smileys apt where we watched rent! woot. weird night though, just weird, anyway it was off to be at 330, then up at 7 for freshman auditions. which was fun. it made me feel old. they are all so young! yikes. after the fun times were over, more fun times came with lunch dates with three of the fantastic freshman guys, nick c. preston c. and jared h. phemonmenal guys! we had so much fun! i wanna dance and sing again!! and we all need to do a beauty and the beast night guys! :)

anyway,when i got back home i went right to bed, and got up at 730.

upon waking up i watched corpse bride with mom and sar. wow, wow, wow GREAT movie! it was like an origianal greek tragedy, a shakespeare classic, it was stunning, great great plot! so i have to go get it for my collection. if you havent seen it, i highly recommend it! love and sacrifice, revenge, death, loyalty, honor. it was beautiful. lol, it was the only movie i havent slept through...

but after that, 9pm, i went right to bed and woke up the next moning at 9, lol.

this weekend wiped me out, bu now im recharged and ready to bring on a new week! WOOT!! BRING IT!

:)

bye lovies

9:05am: it is march 1st


a new month

a new start

a new slate



make the best of it

5:57pm: its a circle of life
i learned today that life comes full circle for all of us buggars. as i was sitting in the hair salon with my mom to get her hair cut for the last time before chemo, i cryed. i really tried to hold it in, i didnt want her to see my emotion, she has enough to go through. but i couldnt help it. i am now in her shoes, walking the past she walked only a few years ago with her mom. its sill y to think that i could ever fully understand what she went through, but i can get a pretty good idea of how it did infact feel, and not going to lie, it sucks.
it was almost as if i could lie to myself before. sure we talked about her cancer and i understood what was going on, but the truth miraculously doesnt hit you untill real steps are taken, like loosing your hair. it was almost to much to bear. after this experience, i dont know if i could ever get my hair cut short again, for it will only remind me of this miserable day, and the hurtful circumstance.
she is so strong though, its simply amazes me how strong she is. i know for a fact she is my real hero. how she confronts life and difficult situations, its extrodinary. a true hero is measured by the size of her heart, and her heart lijke the grinch is growing three sizes too big :)
id be lying if i said i was ready for this.... i am so very much not ready. but she is. and thats what counts.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


on a different note, as i was cleanign my room again. i think i have a problem. is it merely psychotic to move your room around every 3 months? i cant stand the same room, i have to move things around. anyway, i found my rehearsal schedual for chicago, and we start soon. yikes! real soon. like at the end of this month, which is going to fly. and after a month of straight rehearsal everynight, the semester will be over, just like that!! insane! I am almost through sophmore year!!! I have a huge research paper due at the end of the semester and seeing how chicago will run, i should prolly get it done see ya

3:59pm: :: welcome to my life ::
sometimes i think that there are no adults in this world. we are all just a bunch of kids just running around. no one really grows up, and its not for never never lands sake or bed time stories, its the simple fact that there is just no such thing as adults. we get bigger, we get smarter, but we maintain out sillyness.
i was sitting in class today and looking around at all my peers with wonder. its a wonder that we are all still alive. with the drinking, the sex, the drugs, the everything that kids are into. its a miricle that for some odd reason, we have our lives in a little tiny box that we can protect and carry with us wherever we go. its not that im upset that these things go on in college settings, its all games, all games, no different from hide and seek and ring around the rosey. there is alwasy some chance that a kids will get lost for real in hide and seek and the dangers of running in a circle increase with age when falling hurts. but its all games. we hide from our past, our baggage, we fall and scrap our knees when relationships dont work out. dont you see how life is just this big game? we are all just a buncha kids.

but there are many players in the game of life that we can choose to incoporate ourselves with. the doers, the cheerers and the poopers. the doers are on the edge of their seat hopping that they will get a 'goose' and run and run and run till they catch the ducker. this person when they get older will compete. they will fight for their rights. they will speak up and they arent afraid of a good brawl. the second kid is the cheerers. these kids want to get involved but for whatever reason, physical or not, they cant. they are forced to sit in the middle of the circle and pick the grass. they dont pout though, their involvement in cheering on the doers. thirdly are the poopers. these are the kids that could not give a shit for the game, they dont want to ply, they dont want to cheer, they want to get outta there. they hate the game they hate the rules, and there is nothing that these kids are going to do to get involved.

such is life i guess.

just thinking, please feel free to run away now. i just like to poop my brains out.

ah it feels good after a good dump.


as i sit here, kitty at my feet. id like to think i am a doer. but as of now, i think im a cheerer. and thats ok with me. if i can tbe in the game, i want to be rooting people on.

8:43pm: ugh
guess im new to this whole live journal thing, not really sure of all the gismos and gadgets. so its just me, sorry to be unimpressive.

im so tired today, i think its cause the show is officially over, there is no more :( so my body wants to just go blahhh and dump all the emotion all the energy and all the tough times into my lap now.

im sick of this. im sick of being lonely. i have all these amazing friends and family, i love to comfort and to cheer, and i really want to be with someone. to go through things togther. friends or boy friend, anything, just some guy figure that will step up and encourage. is that too much to ask? sometimes we think that we need ot be perfect and happy and totally love ourselves before we can get involved with someone, frankly, i have come to see that that is simply bull shit. hwo do you get through those trying times? how do you learn? you grow with someone, that is what forms us, that is what completes us. we werent meant to live on this earth alone and to go through things alone, or we would all have a penis and a vagina, :P its funny, but true. you go through things as a team. and frankly, i dont want to be a perfect stpeford kind of women when i get involved with someone. you need rough edges so the both of you can smooth eachother out.

i dont mean to condemn healing yourself and loving yourself. :) not at all. but to think that you can get to a point where you are healthy and happy and full and satisfied by yourself, well, your only kidding yourself. we are never finished with ourselves, we are a work in progress. thats what makes us human.

i was invited to live...care to join me?

anyway, if life and love has taught me anything, its that you need to just love on eachother, faults and all.

everyone got back home now, so i better go look like im doing work, :)

goodnight and goodluck

9:16am: couriouser and couriouser...
...wow...
clearly this play went by a last faster than expected. i think its sad when you only get two weeks with a cast. i feel however, that dispite the shortage of time involved in putting this play up, that the cast became a family. looking back, i would have to say this is the most fun iv had doing a play. i think that grows from my love of childrens theater. :) i met some wonderful people and grew some friendships. what more could you ask for? a warm up show by an unsuspecting cast memeber, yes jimmy, it made my life, fun times :) never the less the show must go on, stupid cast memebers or not :)

:; thinking :;

moms starts chemo soon. she has a plan laid out for her, of which i dont know much about. i know she starts soon though. i know shes going ot get through this ok. she has to. i cant imagine a life without her, she is my reasons for living, she is all my reasons. i love her so much, with or without hair...

people come and go, but love continues on... forever and ever.

whats up next for this old crow?

maintaining grades would be a good one :) i have been pushing howework and tests to the side for this show, and its going to come back to haunt me in finacial aid wises if i dont get my act together. i know that this semster is simply going to fly by though. scary... almost half way done.

chicago is also up next: im assistant stage manager for that. im sure it will suck up all the free time known to man, but im in this business for a reason, and i dont mind putting in my time :) much love goes out to the people in the cast i will be working with.

anyways off to get ready for the last showing of pea... god im going to miss it...

stay lovely nu.
or at least put a lovey mask on for our sakes